For Those Who Have a Highly Sensitive Baby...

As any expecting parent does, I dreamed of how my baby would be before he arrived.

As a mental health therapist, I am very concerned with the attachment needs of my child. Because of this, I imagined long stretches of time where we’d lay on the couch, skin-to-skin, perhaps both asleep. I dreamed that when he’d cry, I’d know his need from an intuitive level, and that I would meet it fairly quickly. I thought he’d reach his milestones on time, and that we’d celebrate them together. I imagined my partner and I laying in bed, watching him dreamily from his bassinet, completely in awe and in love. 

Of course, I was also prepared for things to be a little different. Many more seasoned parents had laughed at our well-laid plans, shooting us that knowing, wry grin–one that often left my partner and I slightly irritated. Yeah, yeah, we get it–we don’t know what’s coming.

And it was true. We didn’t.

When my son was two months old, we waited in one of our many doctor’s appointments, and I saw a poster that read: “1 in 5 babies are hard to soothe.” It was an advertisement for a support group. As I read it, I was bouncing him, shushing him, stroking his hair, all as he screamed. For the first six months of his life, he rarely stopped. 

We heard more and more infuriating unknowns related to infant crying: “Yep, he’s colicky. Could just be gas.” “Maybe it’s acid reflux?” “Have you tried ____ swaddle?” “Perhaps you could try craniosacral massage.” 

No one had any answers. And we had tried all the things: every swaddle, every position, every temperature, all the fancy monitors and babywearing systems and naturopathic medicines. We stayed up all hours of the night, shushing, rocking, bouncing, holding, and he never. Stopped. Crying. But that poster was my pathway into understanding infant temperaments, something that I had very little awareness of before I became pregnant. 

There are several types of parameters for this, but I like the phrasing that Dr. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka uses in her book Raising Your Spirited Baby. According to many sources, about 40% of babies fall into the category of “easy or flexible,” or as Dr. Sheedy Kurcinka terms, “a low key baby.” The next category are “spunky babies,” and the final are “spirited babies.” Some qualities of spirited babies include:

-Very intense: shift from happy to shrieking in seconds, cry louder than other babies, and are very challenging to calm

-Sensitive: Must have quiet to sleep, wake if put down, fuss when their diaper is soiled.

-Alert: Require soothing in a crowd, stop feeding with commotion nearby, need dark to sleep.

-Regularity: Unpredictable babies are hungry at different times of the day and nap time seems different every day.

-Active: Move around a lot in their sleep, are always on the move, and kick and squirm while being dressed.

-First reaction: cautious babies are distressed by new things, get upset when approached by new people, and fuss in new places.

-persistence: When hungry need to be fed immediately, wails if a toy is taken away, and are not easily redirected

-Adaptability: less adaptable babies cry or fuss when a feeding begins or ends, struggle to fall asleep, wake up crying and upset.

-Seriousness: A more serious baby appears thoughtful, focused, sober, and more of an old soul.

My partner and I had prepared to have a baby with some of these difficulties. However, we did not prepare to have a baby with nearly all of them.

Having a “spirited” or “highly sensitive” baby is just different from having a “low-key” baby. Although the newborn stage is difficult for everyone, for parents with babies who are unable to be soothed, it can feel like a different planet entirely. It’s extremely isolating, even amongst new parents. 

I’ll likely share more about our journey with our sensitive little guy in future blogs. But for now I’d like to stress the importance of that point: parents with highly sensitive babies, you are not having a normal experience. Hard-to-soothe babies trigger you in different ways, lead you into deprivation in different ways, and challenge your relationship in different ways. 

Like for anyone in the fog of the newborn stage, there is hope in the future. At 3 months, 6 months, 9 months (and beyond)--there will be massive shifts! And there are so many wonderful things about being a highly sensitive person that become obvious over time. But if you’re in the thick of it, just know that I see you. I’ve been in it too.