Some Favorite Thoughts on Parenthood
Nikki McCahon
“Here’s an inconvenient truth. Whilst becoming a mother is a time of gain, and huge blessings, it is also, often an intimate encounter with loss and grief.
Not having the birth experience you wanted to have.
This is grief.
Not having people show up for you.
This is grief.
Losing or changing friendships.
This is grief.
Adjusting to a changed body.
This is grief.
Birth injuries.
This is grief.
Not having your rite of passage honored.
This is grief.
Loss of spontaneity and closeness in a relationship.
This is grief.
Letting go of an identity and version of yourself.
This is grief.
Unmet expectations.
This is grief.”
Natalie Brunswick
Trauma Therapist, OT, and expert in highly sensitive families
“To the parents who grew up with childhood trauma… To the parents who grew up in homes with violence or shame or emotional neglect or wounding of any kind, please know that the sheer amount of effort it takes you daily to not get triggered by the screams of your children, or the punches they throw at you (or each other), or the lack of control you have over your environment, or the constant sensory or physical demands, does not go unnoticed…
“Remember, those wounds of yours, they live deep inside you. In a part of your brain where our unconscious memories get stored. Stored in places too old for language. Stored in emotion and muscle memory. And when you’re tired, or burnt out, or overwhelmed, or trying to juggle too many balls at once, that part of you who lived with fear and shame for so long gets activated, and the part of you who wants to hold your kids close rather than push away disappears, and you react, sometimes in ways you wish you hadn’t.
“But this toxic idea we have that we should never pass on any of our wounding to our children is an impossible ask and is setting us up to believe that we are failing. I promise you, you will pass some of it on. As will I. But what if our goal was instead to simply pass on less of our own wounding to our kids than our parents passed on to us. And hope that our kids then do the work of passing less of that wounding on themselves.
“Healing is generational work. It was never meant to be your job to heal every wound you inherited, it was meant to be carried over decades and centuries, over shoulders that once lived in your womb, and the shoulders of all those who’ll come after. This healing thing is a group effort. And it was never meant to be yours alone to carry.
“So please be gentle with yourself on this journey. And find moments to sit in awe of all that you’ve built. Of this life you’ve created. Of the strength that’s carried you through. And please believe me when I say that you’re worthy of every ounce of love those children give to you. And that you’re doing an amazing job. Not despite your imperfections, but because of all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you’re teaching them is possible on your journey to becoming.”