I’ve been having a lot of conversations about “self care” recently, and how it misses the mark. Particularly for those who are anxious (hello), a trip to the salon, a quick splurge on a coffee, or even a massage can lead to very little long-term payoff.

Even beyond self care, I often work with people who reach a place where they can say: I’m not beating myself up as much anymore. I don’t think I’m totally awful. And yet, I still feel anxious. I’m nervous and edgy. I lash out at people when I don’t mean to.

So why does this happen?

This milestone in therapy is an important one. It’s when your brain finally starts to get it: your thoughts don’t spiral the same way, the same criticism isn’t on repeat, or when those criticisms do arrive, you can calmly tell it: “I hear you, and that’s not what I truly believe. Now kindly fuck off.” The shifts that are required to get your brain on your side are massive! So I hope that, if this is you, you’ve done a lot of celebrating for the hard work it took to calm those anxious thoughts.

But what’s happening beyond the brain? Maybe it’s still in the pit of your stomach, that clenched feeling, the stomach aches, the sensation of heaviness. Or perhaps its in your chest instead–heart racing, difficulty taking a full breath, the sensation that something–or someone–is just pressing against your sternum.

When the body continues to give signals of distress, this is often the time to start caring more intentionally to the body itself, with coping skills that speak the body’s language, not the brain. And this is where self care can fall flat, that as a culture we are not generally familiar with what our bodies truly need, and that–surprise–it generally isn’t a Venti iced latte (bummer).

Before we get into the coping skills, I want to introduce a concept from Emily and Amelia Nagoski that has truly changed my life. They teach on something called the ‘stress response cycle,’ which is a frustratingly simple concept that almost all of us are completely shit at understanding and tending to.

Here’s the gist of it: our bodies are expertly wired to attune to and notice danger. This was extremely helpful millions of years ago when we were regularly, for example, chased by a tiger looking for a meal. The stress response cycle kicks in, flooding your brain and body with hormones that say either: run! Or fight! Or play dead! These override any thoughts or other functions that might be happening, and mostly without your own say or control, the body just reacts.

This worked well in times like those, when the danger was real and imminent. Your body would choose, say, to run, and the running itself would burn through all the fear that was just injected into your limbs. The strain on your muscles would release energy, regulate your heart beat, and expand your lungs fully, eventually helping to calm you once again, when it was safe.

Now that we no longer face the danger of tigers (I hope), what often happens is that the stress response system goes more like this:

You’re sitting in a virtual meeting with your team at work. Your boss asks a question and two of you jump on at the same time: you, and another coworker with a history of talking over you. You successfully override him, even if it takes a couple very awkward moments of both talking at the same time. When the moment passes, you feel jittery and flushed, finding yourself taking in the expressions of others on the team. Do they think I was rude? Did I make them uncomfortable? Should I have just been more chill?

All of these questions operate out of perceptions of what others might be thinking; none of it is factual. None of it is real danger, it’s all perceived.

This is what is key: our brain can’t tell the difference. Either way the message that’s received is: you need to run! The stress response cycle has been activated, but you’re at work. You can’t very well get up and run, and even if you want to, you can’t fight the guy who cut you off. So instead you remain seated, struggling to listen to the rest of the meeting. Later, you forget about it, but you chew on your fingernails and wonder why you don’t feel hungry. Your body is telling you: the stress response cycle hasn’t been completed.

This is where self-care is extremely lacking. We do not need quick-fixes or instant gratification to heal the years of incomplete stress response cycles still stagnant in our bodies. What we need is to start allowing the stress to move through when it happens, and also implementing practices that encourage our chronically stressed bodies to let go of what happened not only this morning, but years ago, too.

It’s always disappointing when the answer isn’t really a quick fix. Luckily, there are things you can do daily that will make you feel better right away. But the important take-away here is that we are constantly inundated with reasons to worry. It’s amazing if you’re able now to dismantle that knee-jerk thought that arises: “God, how could you be so stupid?” with something compassionate and understanding like, “You don’t have to understand everything right away. It’s okay; try again.” What the Emily and Amelia Nagoski teach us about is the next step: caring for your body, too.

Here are some of my favorite ways to complete the stress response cycle:

Turn on a catchy, high-energy song, and shake to it. Literally from your toes to your head, let every part of your body vibrate and shake for the entire 3-plus minutes. Shaking releases energy and mimics the ‘running from the tiger’ we no longer get to do.
Cry. Crying releases actual chemicals, so if you think you’re wasting time, just know that the release that’s happening here is measurable and concrete, and softens the body into knowing that it’s safe.
Do a meditation that requires you to make noise. Most typical are ‘om’ meditations, that require a rounding of the throat and sounds that come from deep inside your belly. Making sounds is deeply tied to safety. This can be a more vulnerable one, but try it in your car, if you’re nervous. Utilizing our voices is imperative to completing the stress response cycle.

If any and all of this sounds like you, and you feel like you could use more support, I’d absolutely love to schedule a few sessions to talk more about this topic. Talk therapy can be very ‘brain-oriented,’ but this is a different approach, that focuses much more on the body. If any of this resonates, please consider reaching out. I’d love to hear from you.

Book With me

Much of the content here was taken from Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s incredible book, “Burnout.”

If you’re a new parent struggling with anxiety, you may want to read my blog specifically on postpartum anxiety, found here:Postpartum & Anxiety